I Can't Hate You Anymore
by acciosilverdoe
Summary: Complete. Addek oneshot, set in New York after Derek has found Addison with Mark. Is their marriage over, or can it be saved? Rated T for language.


**A/N: The idea just sort of jumped at me the other day. It's Addek, which is my current love -smiles-. Sorry it's short but I couldn't really think of what to write. This is set in New York a couple of hours after Derek found Addie with Mark. Based around Addison really (although there is a small bit of Derek too), around her remembering happier times with Derek & realizing that her marriage is over. Maybe. You'll just have to read to find out. Italics are song lyrics, bold italics are flashbacks. The song is 'I Can't Hate You Anymore' by Nick Lachey. I really think the lyrics fit. Enjoy :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. **

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_**"Please, Derek. Please," Addison begged, hoping he would open the door. "Please." She put her hands on the cold glass of the door, his hands mirroring hers on the other side. She hated herself for this. Hated Mark for letting her give in. She never gave in. "Derek, please."**_

_**On the other side of the door, Derek took a deep breath. Something inside of him was screaming to let her stand outside, but something else was telling him to open the door, let her in. He pulled the door open slowly.**_

_**Addison stepped in, letting him close the door after her before reaching out to him. "Derek, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance," he felt his arms reach around her. "You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am. Okay?"**_

_**Derek didn't answer. He shut his eyes, shut out the tears that were threatening to fall. "Okay. Im gonna go, you stay, I'll get my clothes in the morning."**_

_**Addison pulled back, staring into his eyes. "No, no, no. We can survive this, Derek. We can survive this, we're-we're Addison & Derek," she pleaded.**_

_**Derek pulled back further. "I can't look at you. I look at you & I feel **__**nauseous. It's just, we're," he paused. "We're not Derek & Addison any more."**_

_**Addison swallowed hard, placing her hands on either side of his face. "If you go now. If you go now we're not going to get through this. If you go now we don't have a chance. We don't have a chance, if you go now," she let her hands fall as he backed away from her, opening the door. "If you go.." she drifted off, watching him leave & slam the door behind him. "We don't have a chance," she whispered to herself. **_

_An empty room can be so deafening_

_The silence makes you wanna scream_

_It drives you crazy_

_I chased away the shadows of your name_

_And burned the picture in a frame_

_But it couldn't save me._

Addison sat with her knees pulled up against her chest. She'd smashed nearly all of the frames which held pictures of her & Derek, & now she sat surrounded by the glass. Her hair was limp & still damp, partly from the rain outside & partly from her tears. She held a photo of her wedding day, she couldn't remember feeling that happy. The past year had been nothing but hell for her, Derek was hardly ever home, & when he was he ignored her. She took a deep, shaky breath & dropped the photo, picking up another one which lay next to her. This one was of her, Derek & Mark at the beach. She ripped Mark off the picture, knowing he was the reason Derek had left tonight.

_And how could we quit something we never even tried_

_Well you still can't tell me why._

Addison pushed herself away from the wall, letting the photo drop to the floor again. She didn't even flinch at the pain when she stepped in the glass, the emotional pain stopped any other pain getting in. She walked into their kitchen, remembering how they used to spend every morning there eating breakfast & talking. She'd spent every morning of the last year alone, ever since Derek had become distant. She walked along the hall & up the stairs, into their bedroom. She stood in the doorway for a few seconds before realizing she would never be able to sleep in that bed again. That bed where she'd ruined her marriage for good. She slammed the door & walked along to the guest bedroom. Sighing, she collapsed on the bed, curled herself into a ball tangled in the covers & fell asleep to the sound of her own sobs.

ADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEK

Derek wandered down the empty street, his head swimming with questions without answers. He didn't know what to do now, he didn't know where to go. He found a bench & sat down, holding his head in his hands. Where had they gong wrong? Why had he been so absent the last year? Was he the reason she'd cheated? His head was telling him to run, to get away, to forget his life here & start a fresh somewhere new. But his heart was screaming to go back, to find Addison & make things better. His heart was screaming that he loved her.

_We built it up, to watch it fall, like we meant nothing at all. _

_I gave and gave the best of me, but couldn't give you what you need. _

_You walked away, you stole my life, just to find what your looking for. _

_But no matter how I try, I can't hate you anymore._

ADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEKADDEK

Addison didn't sleep for long. The memory of Derek leaving was haunting her dreams & she couldn't escape it. Her eyes flicked open & took in her surroundings. She pushed herself off the bed & walked down into the living room, pausing to look at a few photos which she didn't yet smash. She walked past them, past the couch, & sat down in a corner. She hugged her knees against her chest, letting more tears fall down her face. Her head shot up when she heard a key in the door, but she cursed herself for thinking it could be Derek. She didn't move, knowing that it was probably Mark & hoping he would leave her alone.

"Addie?" she recognized the voice & her heart skipped a beat. Still she didn't move, however, thinking it was her mind playing tricks on her. She heard footsteps coming towards her hiding place & she held her breath, waiting & hoping to see Derek. "Addie."

She looked up, knowing she couldn't hide any longer. She took a while to take in his face, still convinced it wasn't real.

"Come on," Derek held out his hand for her to take. She hesitated but took it in the end. He pulled her up & moved her to the couch, sitting down & pulling her next to him.

"Derek why did you come back?" she asked nervously, not really wanting the answer she thought he'd give.

"I don't know," he said truthfully.

"I'm so sorry, Derek. I deserve you to leave & never come back," Addison sighed. "But I'd really like it if you didn't."

He smiled. "Where did we go wrong?"

She shook her head. "I don't really know. This past year's just been so fucked up. I never see you any more, & I miss you."

Derek sighed. "I miss you too. What happened tonight?"

Addison broke eye contact with him, deciding instead to stare at the wall opposite her. She took a deep breath before whispering, "Mark was just here. And you weren't. And I was lonely."

Derek nodded. They sat in silence for a while, lost in thought & neither knew what to say next.

"Derek?" she asked after what felt like hours.

"Yeah, honey?"

"Why did you come back. Really?"

"Because I love you," he whispered. Addison took a deep breath, which didn't go unnoticed by Derek. "I know I never say that anymore, but it's true. And I'm not ready to give up yet. I know this last year I've messed up & I've been distant, & I really don't know why. I wish I did, so I could punish myself for being such a jerk towards you. But.."

He paused & she took the moment to speak. "Derek don't do this. Don't do this if you're really not sure about this. Don't do this is you're going to fuck me about again because I can't do that any more. I can't spend any more time here without you when I know you'd rather be working than with me. Don't, Derek, please."

"Addison I'm sure. I'm so sure. I don't ever want to hurt you again. I want to make this all go away, & by all I mean Mark too because right now I could kill him," Addison laughed & he smiled. "You have no idea how great it is to see you laugh."

"You have no idea how great it is to laugh!" she smiled.

"I'm so sorry," he sighed.

She nodded. "I'm sorry too."

He took her hand & squeezed it, & used his other hand to wipe away the mascara from her face. "I love you, Addie."

She smiled & leaned forwards, catching his lips with her & kissing him. When she pulled away, she rested her forehead on his & gazed deep into his eyes. "I love you too."

"And we're going to make it. We're going to get through this," he paused. "Because we're Derek & Addison."

She smiled & kissed his lips gently. "Yeah, we are."

_But no matter how I try, I can't hate you anymore._

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**A/N: So, hummm, what was that like? Addek is definitely fun to write! Haha please please review! Please :)**

**Beth Xx**


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